weekend update.

yesterday, I went to a “meditation & creative writing” workshop with a friend from school, and although we both agreed we were ready to leave at the lunch break, i got out some writing that needed to get out. my friend said afterward that her qualm with workshops like those is that they continue to bring people back into the very story they’re trying to let go of, but for me, like I said in the “Excavation” blog, my writing isn’t about spinning my wheels or wishing it were different anymore. I’ve found traction on this stuff, but for me, for my process, it still needs to come up and out.

My friend/spiritual teacher lady said to me today that in Buddhism, they talk about those things as blocks, things that are solid and we knock up against and then back away from – and that they must become diluted for us to move through them. And so, I hear what my friend is saying – and I have certainly been there, simply hitting up against the bricks of my “story”, but  - it feels different lately. It doesn’t feel as solid, weighted, or shameful. There are still pieces that need processing, but on the whole, I do feel I’m getting through to the other side – the side where there is freedom and levity and possibility –

and action. To update on another item this week, I've scheduled phone conversations in the next week with those two working actors in SF I mentioned – indeed giving not only voice to my desire to perform, but also giving traction to that as well by actually putting in some action. Sure, I’m nervous to head in this direction, as uncertain and as fraught with nay-sayers or “realistic” people as it is (esp. when those people live in my head) – but it’s one of those internal nudges that hasn’t gone away, and the longer that I listen to myself, the stronger it has become.

Sure enough, my electric guitar came out of the closet this week. The bass came out with the amp a few months ago, the acoustic is out always, as is the small keyboard that mainly gets used when i’m plunking out notes for my singing class– but, they’re here. and like the performance thing, "singing in a rock and roll band” is not going away either, and it too is just getting stronger. That’s another one I feel retarded talking about – like, who am i, i’m too old, too square, and what have i done and i don’t know that much music and i don’t have enough tattoos. ... but, sure, be ALL of that as it may – i still want to sing in a band. i can fucking taste the metal of the microphone. do i know what kind of music? – it’s becoming clearer – it’s not “pretty” singing. i don’t want to sing pretty, I want to sing passionate – and if they intersect, which to a point i imagine they will, then all the better, but i’m not looking to do pretty – i’m looking to do raw. I wrote an email to a girl friend/acquaintance lady about a year ago because i read some of her facebook updates and watched her go through the same thing, and she emailed me back echoing that her teenage rock girl just wouldn’t go away – and at some point we listen.

or perhaps we don’t, but that’s not my story – anymore.

so, true to CITO, my closet is getting cleared and organized, and an entire drawer is now empty – because “the universe abhors a vacuum”, so if you build it – or clear it – they will come. plus, I feel mentally freer in some way, like how you feel when you go away on vacation and know you’ll come back to a clean apartment (it was once suggested to me to put dirty dishes in the fridge so they won’t rot when you’re away – and sadly, i have done this!). or like in feng shui where you’re not supposed to have anything under the bed, because even if out of sight, it is taking up “room” … energetically ;)

to close out my updates for the week, i will also tell you that I finally wrote that “renegotiating old agreements” letter to the cousin this morning on my way into the city – and about an hour ago, I wrote the last line on one of the petals from the flowers I bought myself, and let it go out the window (burning didn’t seem the “right” thing with this).

and finally, yes, I went on my blind date today - it wasn't a disaster, and there might be a second one. but in the meantime, i’m going to continue taking these itty bitty actions: moving the instruments out, talking to people in the field I want to be in, and completing exercises that help me see myself, my blocks, and my gifts more clearly. 

Cuz, one month into being 30? Eat It, Saturn Returns! ~ I’m totally learning my lessons on this go-round! :P

Plus, I started those hand-made holiday cards I said I would too ;)