Today I went to the 2nd in a series of workshops
led by a friend of mine on relationships. The series is Relationship with Self,
Others, the Divine, and Spiritual Contracts and Inner Archetypes.
So, today was “Others”. I trust this woman implicitly, and
have been through several workshops and retreats with her over the past … could
it be 4 years? Maybe. In any case, I was interested to see what would come up,
especially as I’m doing all this Calling in The One work, etc.
The most poignant, and new, information was around my ideas
of what a “girlfriend”, as archetype, as character, as a “should”, should be.
After writing for other archetypes of Mother, Husband, Friend, qualities like
consistent, loving, supportive, independent but available, etc., it was a shock
to see me write under Girlfriend: sexy, happy, giving, available, demur. ...
It
is not a surprise then that I’ve been a serial single person! If my belief is
that in order to be a girlfriend, I must demur, be happy and sexy and giving
and available to the other person at all times … yeah, it’s no wonder I’m
single.
The other thing that came up was around my mom, with whom I
haven’t spoken on the phone with for about 6 months, following a, well, an
inappropriate conversation – one which she really has no idea was
inappropriate. And I wasn’t able to say as much then, so I did like I do and I
shut down, and haven’t spoken to her in 6 months. We text now and then, just so
we know each other is not dead, but going to a dry well for water is one thing
(I’ve sort of stopped) – having that well knock on your door and say what’s up
how come you haven’t asked me for water lately is maddening.
In the workshop, I later wrote down how my experience of “mother” actually is, versus my “should”s: narcissistic, over-worker,
self-involved, NEEDY, isolated, sad, doomed …
I then wrote how “daughter” actually is: burned, exhausted,
done, tired, untrusting.
And again, it’s no surprise then that I haven’t spoken to
her in 6 months! And yet I judge myself on it all the time. I should
be nicer, call her, love her, talk to her, listen to her … I get depleted just
thinking about it. But even so, Super Molly thinks it’s the role of a daughter
to talk to her mom – no matter what. Human Molly tries one more time to not be
disappointed, to set boundaries, to stay on her own side of the street, and
gets walloped, time and again.
Last week, I told Patsy, my spiritual teacher/friend lady, that I
had to write a “Renegotiating Old Agreements” letter to my mom – that I wanted
to – that I’m warming up to the idea of getting in touch with her again, but
that first I want to be clearer on a few things within myself. She said, how
about you do it for next week – I cringed. She said it was just a suggestion –
and here it is Saturday night, and I meet with her tomorrow, so maybe I’ll do
it on the train – but I will write it. Because it does feel crappy to not talk
to my mom – the mom I have is not the mom I want, but I would love to
renegotiate an agreement where I can communicate with the one I have in a way
where I don’t get depleted …
Come to think of it, in a similar way to how I believe a
girlfriend gets depleted. Hmm…
Thank you for reading my therapy session. (Kate, I swear
there’s traction!)
In other news, so, the Universe is obviously actively
listening to me. About a month ago, in rearranging my room per CITO, I had need of a 2nd bedside table, one
that would match my first (sort of country-style wood painted white). I’d been
semi-on the hunt for one, and in a very synchronistic manner, I ended up at a
garage sale with the *perfect* matching table – white, with a drawer, and
country details. Evidence one.
Evidence Two: the blind date – I’ve asked for a tall,
handsome, employed Jewish man – and I got it – but whoa, buddy, I guess 'not a
douchebag' wasn’t on my list, and I didn’t specify taller than me, so…
Evidence 3: the perfect purple wool pea coat. Done - and for cheap!
Evidence 4 … For the last week, I’ve been bemusedly thinking of getting a car, coveting them on the street, looking at some
online, and I found a new lovely hybrid car online for the mere price of almost
$30,000. So in realizing that I’ve gotten evidences One Two and Three,
guess what I’ve been doing the past 3 days? Asking the Universe for a hybrid car or $30,000! (Although it was pointed out to me that having a car again may not solve my time-debting problem, as was clear to me when I rented a zip car yesterday...TO GET TO CLASS! f*ck.)
But, in the mail today when I come home is a pre-approved auto
loan junk mail for … $30,000. No lie. I guess I have to be really specific
these days (“$30,000 with no strings attached, and no one dies”).
Thank you Universe for listening, I’ll be more conscious
hybridcarhybridcarworkingingoodshapehybridcar of my intentions from now on. ;)
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