It’s sort of amazing. I have the most divine sense of productiveness and accomplishment and wonder and gratitude. “I did it; We did it” were the 1st words out of my mouth this morning. And I/we did do it.
I wrote many poems, I read many poems, I discussed many poems. I meditated. I led a meditation. I participated in a seder. I mixed neutral black. I painted wood planks, and paper and canvas. I used power tools. I auditioned for live modeling. I made new friends and firmed up old ones. I took care of myself and dropped a class that didn’t work for me. I spoke in class. I learned to speak less openly opinionated in class.
I was disappointed by a bad review and I was supported thru that. I was in the vagina monologues. I talked to people and I felt respectful of my need for quietude and solitude. I allowed my writing to surprise me and change. I wrote a poem a day for a while. I learned how I write best. I listened to the experience of others and took the advice of my advisor. I did it. We did it.
I likely wouldn’t have made it on my own, or not nearly as successfully, or evenly, despite still the trial of it. It was hard. It was a trial, and there were errors and there were successes. I walked hobbled thru a breakup in this time. I volunteered to read in public. I was pushed and friendily coaxed to read in public after the disheartening review.
This was an accomplishment. This was the very definition of one, if I knew the definition.
I relied on the knowledge and experience of a former student/current poet who walked me out of the “what the f*ck am I doing here” moments. I took myself to the movies.
This was a triumph of perseverance and self-care. And the magic is that I can now acknowledge that I have these qualities, that I can exercise generosity and consideration toward myself, which is what coming to school was/is for me in the 1st place. This whole adventure and experience is an opportunity to show myself that I have respect for my desires, my artistic tuggings. That I haven’t dismissed these pulls is a demonstrative powerhouse of triumph for me and my path of integrity.
The/my path in front of me is no more clear as to outcome, destination, or result than it was when I began, but as this magnum list of rewards, transformations, and accomplishment suggests, the outcome isn’t nearly as important as the rewards garnered along the way. Along, beside, because of this path I have chosen, the make-up of me is changing. The way I engage the world is shifting, and confidence, humility, respect for others are firming up. I did know that the path was the end in itself, and I’m tickled, awed, and delightedly expectant at the bounty it has already provided. Amen.
May 4th, 2011.
