I know that usually plays on Christmas, and this is New Year’s Eve, but I guess my letter to G-d’s comment box really worked, because, guess what, my cancer is NOT back, and I am going on my trip to Maui tomorrow morning.
I am a terrible last-minute packer, and I realize with all the emotional wear and tear of today, I’m more tired than usual. So…. At least I cleaned out my fridge. Got the cat taken care of. The clothing thing? … Well, let’s just say, it’ll be a mighty busy 4am wake-up call.
I can’t, honestly, believe this is happening. Nothing like this happens to me, as well, I suppose, like something like cancer doesn’t “happen to me.” But, I guess these things do; the “good” and the “bad;” reading a lot of Pema Chodron right now, the attempt to not label things as good or bad.
I can’t tell you how much this past weekend embodied the “one day at a time” thing; I have honestly never felt that kind of “Be In Today” as I did this weekend, so perhaps it was a “good” thing… if I were to label it.
But, it also showed me how I did (mildly) beat myself up for the caffeine and sugar implosions I’ve been allowing myself, even though I know they’re active cancer supporters. So, now I get to watch that, so I can really say, if anything does (or doesn’t) happen, I really tried my best. I really did my best to do what was within my ability and control to control.
I’m not exceedingly pleased about the caffeine reduction/elimination, more than the sugar, honestly. (I keep on saying “honestly,” as if I’m not otherwise honest, or am emphatically MORE honest!)
I’m a little all over the place, which I think an excited, over-tired, nervous-about-tomorrow’s-packing person would be in my position.
Therefore, I will say this. Someone said to me this week, You must be glad to see 2012 end after everything that’s happened. And, you know? I don’t consider it that way. I mean, the cancer is a clusterfuck and I would totally give it back if I could, but here’s a list of other things I did in 2012 that were awesome:
~ Graduated with a Master’s of Fine Arts degree in Poetry
~ Wrote, cried, abandoned, picked back up, and edited a book of poetry that is my thesis
~ Auditioned for plays and a musical
~ Played the piano
~ Went bowling with a girl who’s become one of my best friends
~ Online dated, not altogether disastrously
~ Got into recovery around relationships (the above is not so tidy as it seems!)
~ Hosted my Creativity and Spirituality Workshop for MONEY! (and twice for free!)
~ Got into the Bay Area Modeling Guild
~ Quit the Bay Area Modeling Guild
~ Live modeled for private artists
~ Quit live modeling for private artists
~ Wrote morning pages nearly every day
~ Wrote an increasingly popular blog, sometimes frequently
~ Babysat for some little girls, and introduced them to the woods when they were scared that it was “dirty”
~ Hiked in Tilden Park and all over Piedmont
~ Rode my bike. Once.
~ Walked on Ocean Beach
~ Went camping and built a fire
~ Got a job with some amazing people
~ Performed my poetry at school in a nude suit
~ Performed my poetry at open mics with noticeably more clothing
~ Celebrated six years of not drinking or using drugs, and a year without smoking cigarettes
~ Went to farmer’s markets & baked my own tofu, for crying out loud
~ Did and am doing significant work around self-esteem, receiving, trusting, relationships, boundaries, responsibility, and openness.
This has not been a year that I am voraciously eager to see end; I feel neutral about it. I’ve never been someone who loves or hates the New Year change – it just is. I am curious to meet it as it comes.
Although, at the very least, it begins with me, on a tropical island. ;)
May you have a safe and happy new year, folks. Honestly, you have no idea how much it’s meant to me to have you in my life. Cheers!!!