Quiet on the Western Front

This morning, I called out from meeting with Patsy, in order to sleep more – and not trudge through the rain and several modes of public transportation (AC transit, BART, Muni) to get there and just turn around. This is something I’ve been doing weekly since my car was stolen a year ago, and today, with all I’ve been thinking about rest, restorative rest, rather, I asked her if we could talk on the phone instead. And she said no problem. Just like my boss had said.

I still haven’t contacted my Shakespeare teacher to fess up to not being there on Wednesday, which obviously, he knows, but I have to talk to him about this final project too. It’s the end of semester push when everything you’ve been procrastinating about for the last few months suddenly comes due. So this morning, after sleeping in several more hours, and having the weirdest dream about two people in my life, weird, I got up, had breakfast, wrote my morning pages, and started my homework. Poetry workshop homework, which consists of reading and writing comments on my classmates’ work, work which has piled up over the last month or so, so that I have about 4 weeks of each person’s work. It’s cool, I like writing the comments. Like I said earlier, there are ways to comment on someone’s work, even in a suggestive manner, that aren’t soul crushing – so I try to write like that – but really, for the most part, people are going to be true to themselves, no matter the feedback, although certainly there is a little wiggle room, which I need to remember too – the whole “being teachable” thing. It’s still icky for me to read comments about my work, but I did read the comments I said I’ve been reluctant to read, and they were what I expected – a few, no i have no intention of following your suggestion that is completely off key with what my purpose is here, thanks for reading; a few, hm, that is something to think about; and mostly, lots of encouragement and support.

Then I went out into the world to see some folks for a few hours, laugh at ourselves, get some camaraderie, and came home, made dinner, and started a new holiday card (#4).

That’s about it. I did update my acting resume and sent it to the 4th audition I'd highlighted - I think I'm going to have to do a lot of these - I still feel like these are such awkward I have no idea what I'm doing baby steps, but I'll call my actress friend again tomorrow to check in, and ask a few more pointed questions about these particular auditions and my resume. 

I also did write that letter about renegotiating agreements with my mom this morning before I called Patsy. And I read it to her, and we talked about being emotionally vulnerable without feeling threatened – without having to run away or be consumed. After our phone call, I did one of the CITO exercises, which was an “individuation” meditation. It was sad and powerful; the recognition that we are each not what the other has wanted us to be, and that we can’t be; but by letting us both go from these desires, we both get to be freer. “Separate and whole” is the phrase that keeps repeating.

Patsy asked how I felt about the letter, and I said I felt scared that I couldn’t keep up my end – and she prompted sagely, worried that I couldn’t do it perfectly? yeah, that’d be it. So, I’ll do it haltingly. I don’t know yet when we’ll talk, but I know the work I did today, and this weekend, and for the last several years is heading me to a place where I can hold myself in openness and safety. I heard someone say today that we can be emotionally vulnerable, and raw, and blessed, and I’d like to enter that belief too.

So, there you are. I’m glad I slept in this morning, and I have more to do. I think all this spiritual gutting is contributing to my fatigue, and so I’ll let myself sleep and recharge, and that’s all she wrote.