State of the Union

Yesterday, I sat with a group of folks, and admitted that continuing to participate in activities that I’m not 100% invested in (or even 85%) is dishonest. That I was not being honest with my intentions or priorities—and was thereby wasting time. (You finite commodity, you.)

There was a meditation/writing portion of this meeting, and so I wrote a series of questions for myself:

• How is being dishonest with others serving me?
• How is prioritizing others’ needs serving me?
• How is NOT prioritizing my own needs serving me?
• What need am I fulfilling by not prioritizing and owning my needs?
• How is dismissing my desires serving me?
• How is devaluing myself serving me?

 Heavy, huh?

But, for me, that’s what pushing important things off to “tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow” is. It’s devaluing myself, what I have deemed important to myself.

Because I’ve been hemming and hawing a little on letting those folks know that I can’t come out and play anymore. Even though I am clear that my priorities and intentions have shifted.

So… Yesterday, I committed to those folks that I would make two phone calls. One was to the 25 y.o.

He asked, adorably, if he were in trouble, when I said I wanted to chat when he wasn’t in a café. I said no, but that it was sort of a “State of the Union” conversation, so to give me a call back.

He did. And we did.

I’d been feeling throughout this week that this couple-dom wasn’t on course for relationship-land. It’s a pretty appropriate assessment after a half-dozen dates. We’ve kept it PG-13, so there isn’t any animal-brain “must keep orgasm giver” going on.

But, I have simply felt like I’ve crystallized that I don’t want to date this person long-term. It’s just a feeling, not a fear, not a defense mechanism. Just a fact.

The big however is, I don’t want to stop seeing him. And thus, my hesitation.

I really enjoy spending time with this person, getting to know him, getting to know myself in relation to him. And I thoroughly enjoy our frisky make-out sessions.

So, that’s what I told him. Pretty much all of the above. I don’t see this heading toward relationship track, but I enjoy spending time with him, and I enjoy making out with him.

That the outcomes I saw were we transition to friends, or do that and try to keep with the sexy-time, or do neither. So, he asked me, then, what I wanted? If I knew what I wanted? And I said, no. I didn’t know, but perhaps in talking it out, and hearing his thoughts, we might find some solution.

He admitted and agreed that he was “along for the ride,” but not in a place to invest in a relationship. So that pretty much leaves us two options: continue seeing one another with the frequency we have been, or stop seeing one another.

I replied, honestly, that the idea of seeing him less was unappealing to me.

(And I have to admit here, that part of my hesitation in letting go of this couple-dom is that this person is the first I’ve met who is really in the theater world, has insights, and knowledge, and can point me toward plays and monologues and acting worksheets and websites—which he has—and if I let this go, I won’t have that access anymore.

And that, my dear friends, is scarcity mind. That this is the first person with those bodies of knowledge does not mean that he’s the last person, and to continue a relationship based on a selfish need and fear of loss is the definition of crappy. Doomed. Dishonest.)

So, at the end of this conversation, we agreed to continue to see one another on the semi-regular, as we have been, and that if the ambiguity “gets to” either of us, we can talk about that then.

I did say that I am a person who is wanting a relationship, and that he deserves someone who thinks he’s the sunandmoonandstars, but, for right now, no one is blowing down our doors, so… here we are.

I don’t think it’s “settling for less.” I think it’s being perfectly honest with my desires, honest with my intentions, and my continued task is to show up in the single world and be available.

That might mean a week more of the hot make-out sessions, it might mean a month. I don’t know. It is ambiguous. And we know how I LOVE that. But, I am not willing to let go of this connection yet, because of what it does for me on multiple levels, nor am I willing to let go of my intention to have a true partnership with another human being.

In the meantime, I have that list of questions to answer for and about myself, and some theater websites to explore.