...And all the men and women merely players

Audition Over. I feel exhausted. I am hoping that some day soon, I can stop reporting my exhaustion to you, because I won’t be.

However, if I get into this play, which I realize is an SF State Production, I think, then there are rehearsals there every evening and weekend for 4 weeks. But, cart, horse, one bite at a time. (And, although that sounds exhausting, I know it’s part of “building a resume” and a body of work; so, worth it.) I won’t talk too much about this play, until I know I’ve gotten into it. To paraphrase my new go-to book, It’s Just a F***ing Audition. So, now, I go back onto Theater Bay Area website, follow-up on another message board the 25 y.o. told me about, and get another audition lined up. And another monologue into my brain.

You know, this memorizing thing is work. It’s amazing to be able to keep so much information in our heads. I remember words from plays I did years ago, when I click into that gear.

And that’s the other thing I realized as I walked out of the audition last night into the Sunset streets: I’ve done this before. I know how to do this, if still gelding-like. But this isn’t as foreign to me as I like to let my brain tell me it is. I've stood in small rooms in front of strangers and performed words to them before. I've conversed awkwardly with auditors, having rehearsed so many lines for them, I forget how to just have a normal conversation. I've filled out audition sheets, and printed headshots, and doctored a resume. I've stood in hallways waiting my turn before. 

I left last night – just as I'd left the CCSF audition last month – thrilled that I showed up. THAT’S the result that is most important to me. I was just so glad that I let myself try. And I did “not bad,” in my own estimation, which is like high, throwing-flowers-at-myself praise in my own scale. “Not bad.” Ha. In fact, really, I think I did well. They’re students, it seems, the auditors, and they gave some feedback that skewed positively.

I remember when my friend Melissa came to see me in The Vagina Monologues at Mills about 2 or 3 years ago, now. She said afterward, and her sister is a director, so she’s seen her share of plays and players—she said, I feel like I’ve finally seen you do what you were born to do.

It was the best compliment I’ve ever received. Because I knew she wasn’t a bullshitter, and because it resonated with me. And because it made my insides do a happy dance. Like, SEE, MOLL! We told you you could do this!!

On Tuesday night, the 25 y.o. came over to help me practice my monologue. He’s a director and an artistic director, so he’s seen his share of actors. So, very nervously, I did my piece for him. And I begged him afterward to be honest with me: if I was wasting my time, and someone just really needed to be honest with me, tell me to move on to something else. I don't want to be like that person on the American Idol audition tapes who no one ever told was horrible because they didn't want to hurt their feelings, and so now all of America laughs at their idiocy. 

He told me, no, he wouldn’t say that at all. But, he also told me that, like the bell-curve, I fall somewhere in the middle of the curve, “if a little to the right of center,” he said.

I could be crushed by that. I could say, well, forget it, if I’m not excellent, f*ck it. But, HELLO, even though I’ve done this somewhat, I’m a TOTAL NEWBIE. And if as an untrained, total newbie, I’m average, then that’s AWESOME!

I mean, come on, man.

My bass teacher said the same thing to me when I was working with him. That noting my incredible lack of training and beginner status, I was much farther along than he’d seen.

I’m good at picking things up. And I haven’t ever put concerted effort behind this acting vision before. So… seems to me… leads me to believe… it follows that… logic says…

I better keep doing it. Because I’ll only get better.

*INSERT CHEESY THIS-IS-AWESOME GRIN*

P.S. The 25 y.o. also told me there’s plenty of work in this town for a start-of-career non-equity actor. And I told him, Tell your friends – I’m happy to be in their crappy plays. ;)