SOLD

What the hell – might as well admit it...

So, each time I’ve read my Tarot cards lately, (which I heard once you’re not supposed to do, but the book I have says it’s the best way to learn. Who knows – so I just don’t do it too often). Nevertheless, I have been doing it mildly frequently over this past month in an effort to "figure it out," and darnit, if I don’t keep getting The Devil card. This card represents a lot about materialism, the bondage of self, and self-obsession.

And nothing leads me more to self-obsession than being broke, so I’ve been pretty much all I think about lately. Not a very lovely way to live. This morning, … in meditation (I can’t believe anyone still reads this stuff!), I realized that I’ve cut myself off from a lot of my connectedness through my contracted and constricted thinking around money, jobs, my life, my purpose, etc.

I have been reaching out more for help, but feeling actually calm, centered, connected, all is well? Well, that’s felt a little out of reach for me. Fair enough, it happens. But, it’s nice to notice that although I’ve been availing myself of more resources and networks and connections this time (only when I’ve thoroughly exhausted my self-propelled resources!), it’s still so Molly-centered, and gimme gimme. It feels icky.

An assignment that I’ve had since Monday is to pray for others’ happiness once a day for two weeks. Some specific others, but sure, it could apply to everyone. In doing this, I realized how much I’ve been focused on myself. And also, how depleted I am internally from working in that closed circuit. I haven’t “filled the well” in a long time. My well is dry. And others need me to get some moisture up in here.

Connecting back to sources I know that are nurturing, and getting back onto a schedule for myself will help (I was up till 1am applying to a job – not the best time…but I won’t have much time as the family all pours in from the corners of the eastern seaboard) are some ways to refill the well. Perhaps this then sounds like another path of self-obsession, thinking about how I can feel better, and maybe it can skew that way, but I’d like for it to skew in the way to help others – to refill so I have something to give. So I can actually have energy to put behind my prayers for others’ healing.

Specifically, last night, I had dinner with my Dad and his fiancé. They’ve come in for vacation/my graduation, and came to see me at school, and we went to dinner. They are planning on moving to, and have a house all ready to go for them in Florida. It occurred to me last night how much older they both have gotten.

I see them, and my mom and brother, maybe once a year, but usually every other year, and it’s been that way since I left for Korea in 2004. So, I don’t get to witness the slow aging process; I see them, and I’m beginning to notice the slower pace they walk, the much grayer hair of my dad, and the general aging look of them both. It’s startling a little to see so much change from visit to visit.

They are moving to Florida to retire, like good Jews, into a house in a “senior community” (I half envision Jerry Seinfeld’s parents in Boca… And I don’t think that’s half off!) She is older than my dad, and my Dad is 65, not “old,” but there’s a lot of aches and pains and aging issues. I can tell that he’s sad that he’s not as vibrant as he was. They “courted” by going to lots of dances and on motorcycle rides and kayaking and whatnot. They were very active, at some type of dance or other nearly every week.

Last night they said they don’t really go anymore.

In order to move to Florida, however, they need for my childhood home to sell. I’ve done a lot of work on letting go of this house, I burned sage when I was there emptying it last Fall to help let go of all it housed and witnessed, and in meditation, I’ve tried to do the same. To differentiate my identification with the house too – having seen it for a very long time as a neglected beautiful thing that could be so much if it only had enough love. I’m come a long way with that, and feel ready for it to go, feel ready for it to be owned and loved by a new family.

But, the house does need a lot of work, and it’s not selling. We all know what’s happening in the economy, so I decided every little bit of help counts, and this morning in meditation, I went to the house. I asked it what it needed to go to another family, and it said it needed Love. (Yes, really.) So, I tried to sit in a room in the house and radiate love out to it, so that it could radiate love and attract a new family.

Problem is, I’m running on fumes, and that’s how I recognized this this morning. I sent someone else in, a teacher/source I know, to illuminate it, but no dice. I need to work on receiving some light, to get back to being a channel, rather than a closed circuit running on self-propulsion for me to have anything to give.

Will it help the house sell? Dunno. Will it help me to feel more connected to those around me? Likely. Will it do me some good to think about others’ happiness and how they are? Definitely.

And, if you would be so kind, could you maybe send a little love to the house too? Envision a “Sold” sign on the lawn? Help my Dad and his wife move to a better place?

Thanks!