Sans Cape

For an unemployed person, I’m mighty busy, and double booking, or booking right after another.

So, I was honest with the painter yesterday and simply emailed her to tell her that I was feeling a little daunted at the thought of modeling for 3 hours after working a full day – I’ve been so tired, guys, normal people hours are weird – I almost wrote “wired,” which I suppose they are too. My caffeine reduction experiment tanked last week at the temp job with a return to 3 cups a day, but I’m trying again, and yesterday was only two.

A friend of mine said, when I told her on Monday night that I was thinking of canceling Tuesday’s modeling gig, that there was no way that I could cancel with this woman, the artist, that I had made my commitment, and that it was less than 24 hours notice, and that it would affect my “reputation,” and that if I didn’t want to model ever again than it was fine for me to cancel.

Whoa.

So, considering that this woman is someone I go to for council in other matters, I took what she said, not to heart, but to left ventricle maybe. But it didn’t sit well in my left ventricle. I am/was tired, and was not really going to be emotionally or physically available to do what needed to be done. This date was set up over a month ago, when I had no idea I’d be working 9-5 in SF. I went to sleep on Monday night contemplating lying to the artist, and telling her that I had a stomach issue, and couldn’t make it. Then, I let it go, and went to sleep.

I woke up, and decided to just be honest. So, I wrote the artist an email, said obviously I made my commitment to her and would be there, but was there another way.

You know what she said (of course you do), she said, NO PROBLEM. “I’ll paint instead.” And we rescheduled for a weekend evening next month. “No Problem.” Once again, I’m shown that when I’m 100% honest, it usually goes better than I could have imagined. I tried my very best to let go of the results after I sent the email yesterday morning – I brought all my modeling gear with me, and said to myself, if I have to, I have to, and I will – … then I habitually, compulsively, checked my inbox to see if there was a response. Then… I remembered that I was “turning it over,” letting it go, and I was actually at another job that was needing my attention.

And so it went for about 4 hours. I even left for lunch. Ha! I even let myself take my little breaks and walk around downtown, to relieve my poor spine of compression for a few non-sitting minutes. I let myself take care of myself, basically, even though I didn’t know what “the future held.” That’s sort of new. Usually, I’ll clamp down – I don’t know what’s going on, what’s happening, what will happen, I better stay here, worry, consume, agitate.

Nope. I took a walk. I wore a dress yesterday even, I think I’ve worn it once since I bought it, and I looked nice. I looked presentable. I looked Molly. Only nicer ;)

I come back from lunch, there’s an email from the artist, and, I guess I spoiled the surprise already, but, NO PROBLEM. I can’t stress enough what a relief that was. I was able to leave work and go to meet up with some of my peeps for an hour, we even sat in some 15 minute meditation, which was unexpected. I was able to come home, play with my cat, … attempt to get to bed at a decent hour.

I haven’t told my friend who chastised me for considering canceling that it all went well. I know that she’s human, and as another friend said to me recently, We can only see as far for others as we can see for ourselves. And, I “get” what she meant, that it’s not okay to cancel last minute – or rather, it’s not ideal, but it had to be asked. So, I will have to tell her – and maybe when I’m done with this set of work I’m doing with her, I’ll move on – she is helpful in a lot of other ways, and again, she is human. She has her own history, and beliefs and patterns. Whatever it meant to her to arise such a virulent reaction, really doesn’t have much to do with me, honestly. I’m glad I’m able to see what was mine, what was right for me, and do what was right for “Human Molly,” not “Super Molly.” I may look good in tights, but the cape is a little much.

One of the reasons I didn’t want to do the gig yesterday was that I wanted to continue to apply for work in the evening. I didn’t do that yesterday – I sat on my couch and read this book I’m reading. Man Seeks God. It’s actually hilarious, and informative. But one thing that came up at my workshop on this past Saturday was my answer to my question for the group – What, honestly, is your favorite creative block – or put another way, what is your favorite thing to do instead of being creative?

In the past, I’ve written facebook, or t.v., but this time, I think I got a little closer to the heart of it: Reading about other people’s lives instead of living my own.

Yep, that pretty much fits about all the manifestations of what I do instead of living my own – that’s what facebook provides, this book I’m reading offers, it’s what t.v. or movies do. Let me witness someone else’s life, instead of participating in mine.

Sure, there’s a time and place for it all – I’m not going Luddite. But I’m glad to be more focusedly aware of what it is I’m doing when I decide to read for 3 hours, instead of send out one resume.

That said, today, I commit to creating a teaching resume, and sending out one job application.

I also commit to taking a spinal decompression walk. ;)