The 11th Hour

So, to get to the important info first, of course. The internet-met coffee date was a bust. Not an ounce of chemistry on my end, so, after about a half hour of waiting on the slowest coffee drinker in the world, I declined the invitation to go to eat or to the park, and went on my way.

I’m glad I felt comfortable enough to do that, despite the CREST FALLEN face when I replied, Actually I think I’m going to go. That man is not a poker player.

But, on my way I went. I caught a bus up to see a girl friend of mine, and we had a sojourn to Ocean Beach. It was more than lovely.

Regarding the title of this blog however, I feel like I’m here again. I’ve said in the past that usually what happens around money and jobs is that “something comes through” in the 11^th hour. This has always been true, and despite my dire, apocalyptic belly-aching about the sodium-laden brick, I haven’t eaten any Top Ramen in the last several years.

Part of what I’ve recognized though is that I come to a point at some time during my “what am I going to do next”ness where I “go rag-doll on G-d,” as my friend puts it. You know when you’re in a grocery store, and a parent is holding hands with a child, and the child is cranky or tired and doesn’t want to go or walk anymore, and the kid just goes limp. And has to be dragged by the parent a few steps.

Yeah, that’s going ragdoll on G-d. It’s like, I’m not sure what the fuck to do, so I’ll just let you pull me. That feeds back into the whole “lack of self-esteem around jobs” though when I throw up my hands, and just wait for the 11^th hour – when I know inevitably something will have to happen. I really haven’t been dropped, ever.

But, I’m not comfortable doing that anymore. It makes me feel young, and childish, and like a recipient, rather than an active participant in my own life.

So, I guess I’m at the point of finding some sort of balance between trying to “figure it out” and throwing up my hands in frustration and impertinent surrender. “Alright, Universe, Fate, G-d, whatever you are, you obviously have some better idea about my life than I do, so HERE. Go ahead. It’s all yours. Fuck it.”

The former makes me crazy, and the latter lacks integrity & a fair balanced view.

So, what’s the middle way?

…*crickets*…

Perhaps it starts with the recognition that I don’t want to do either. I am still taking action. Applying to jobs, looking at websites around the country, trying not to be too limited, but not too focused, because I really still have no f’ing idea where or when or why. It IS the 11^th hour. June approaches, and my bank account approaches zero.

So, how, in what sense-memory tells me is the "same place," do I stand on my two feet, and let myself be guided rather than dragged? How do I stand with integrity and surrender?

Well, yesterday I did make a phone date with a girl friend bassist for this afternoon. I also did ask my theater instructor for an informational interview coffee date. And, I did show up to that date yesterday, not knowing what would happen, but being willing to try something new - and hideously uncomfortable (somehow, "we met on the internet" doesn't make a great retelling...)

And, to be honest, I still have the hope that in the 11^th hour, there will be a miracle – because there always is – but I don’t want to stand around waiting for it. I want to meet it. That feels more “adult,” or humble, or something. More of value.

But, what do I know, I just work here.

Here’s to the middle way – letting go, but walking forward – it may be into the dark, but my eyes will adjust.