The Masculine Mystique

Firstly, I would like to quote an acquaintance of mine as they responded once to my tirade on SF’s chilly weather – “Then Move.” Touche, quite right. And I will, just not today.

Secondly, my morning pages were like something out of a schizo’s notebook this morning, and I’m rather heartened than alarmed by it.

As I began to, again, write that I could paint, a sentence which was followed immediately in my head by the thought, “Yeah, right,” … my morning pages turned on me, and began a near-two page rejoinder along the lines of Stop Fucking Saying Yeah Right, and GO DO IT! I channeled the very pissed off and frustrated voice/part inside me that is exceedingly tired of the self-defeating, Eeyore-like part of me that crosses all my interests with a “Yeah, but,” or a “How will I make any money?”

I was happy to see that this activated part was so adamant, and demanded that I Just Fucking Do It, rather than what I’ve been doing for a very long time, question, debate, lolly-gag, despair. This voice is the fuck despair voice. It is the voice, one might say, of my inner masculine.

I’m a little hesitant to draw the dividing line between feminine and masculine in this way; feminine as pondering and questioning; masculine as action and fortitude. But, it sort of feels like that to me, and it’s only my interpretation. There are plenty of other ways to categorize, or not, these disparate voices and parts of ourselves. But, for the sake of the argument, I’ll call it my masculine side.

And the truth is, it’s right. Whatever it is, or I call it. Because this is the point in the job search where I get frustrated and think, well, nothing will come of it anyway, so phooey, here’s another admin job. My internal beings of all sorts are having a coup. Nuh, Uh. Time’s up. Off the pity pot, lady. Get on it.

And further more, Yes, You Can. Furthermore,

to segue,

you/I have very recent experience in NOT behaving as you would have in the past. You very recently responded to a situation MUCH differently than factual evidence had it before. This means … you’re different. You’ve changed. You can do things now that you couldn’t before, and your mental register aligns with a much healthier set of behavior and thinking now.

The case in point, is that I was asked to go to the theater by a boy…man. There is nothing wrong with this person, except that a) I accepted the extra ticket thinking he has a girlfriend, so I thought it was a friend thing (I found out later he does not), and b) he is new to the not-drinking world.

Over the last 3 days, I have felt icky – like the princess and the pea. I know from my own experience that the first few months of not drinking and trying a whole new way of life – no, not first few months, first few years (or year, AT LEAST), are so incredibly formative, that I would be damned to throw a wrench into the wheel works of someone else’s critical development. I know people who have gotten involved, and it’s worked out marvelously, but I, surprisingly, was feeling way too uncomfortable about it.

Sobriety, mine or someone else’s, was way more important to me than a fucking non-date date. No matter how long it’s been, how intriguing it is, how fun it could be. Not doing it.

So, through a series of phone calls to friends, and a confirmation that it’s the respectful thing for us both, yesterday, I texted the dude and said I’d rather stick to seeing him “around,” than go for coffee. That I felt “murky” around it.

You know what he said?

“Okay. No worries!”

???!!!

All my f’ing belly aching, and heming and hawing, and “Okay, No Worries”?? Wow, this honesty thing really f’ing works.

Through a series of circumstances, the timing was different than he thought, so I get to go see the play by myself and also get to have a clean, peer-like relationship with this dude. I don’t have to feel weird, or avoid, or future-trip about it. The play is the bonus prize – the actual prize is the relief of doing the right and honest thing for myself, and sticking to a new way of being.

I know from direct experience that I haven’t always responded that way to someone who was new to not drinking, and I experienced the fallout of that, however brief it was. I, apparently, have learned from my experience. And my internal alarm system is calibrated to this new way of being.

I say all this to say, that my masculine side has a point. All that writing this morning about Just Do It has a point. The point is that I’m not the person I used to be. I don’t have the same reactions I used to, and so I don’t have to follow the same actions I used to. This whole “new way of living” has made itself quite apparent in my life, and I can allow the boon of that to propel me forward.

I don’t have to be afraid anymore. Afraid there isn’t enough, or I’m not good enough, or I’ll never make it anyway, or that a creative life is a stupid one.

In fact, I don’t have these fears anymore, really. They’re just echoes. There’s nothing real to scare me. There’s no one stopping me, or chiding me, or making fun of me.

And if there ever is, I apparently have a massive bully to yell affirmations at them.