Adapting Order from Chaos

Today, I get my thesis signed by the third person I need, and then uploaded to the library system for printing and binding. It’s another way of saying, today, it’ll be really done. Complete. Finit. C’est Complet. Au revior. Adios. Ciao. See you. Never to be seen again.

Well, sort of. Not, “never to be seen again,” but, I’m exhausted of it. It’s like saying the word zipper repeatedly until it loses all its meaning. That’s the word “thesis” for me at the moment, and a lot of others’ I assume as well.

On a fully unthoughtout fledgling tangent that may pan out to a hill of beans, I’m applying to a job in Philadelphia today. It’s more of a show of willingness I suppose, to move, to be employed, to take action so that I am employed.

In several books I’ve read lately on maintaining solvency and being financially self supporting, you won’t guess what the number one advice is – get a job. Ha! Yes, it’s true.

So, in and amongst the other work I’m doing here, like the workshop in SF next month, where I’ve rented a studio space, and am posting up flyers and all, I’m also looking for work… sort of in a “finally” kind of way. There feels to be a different tone emerging. I do not say fully emerged. But the tone is one that feels less desperate.

Not that I’m less desperate for income, but that I’m less desperate for “the answer,” or to “make it work,” or to “figure it out.” I guess I just am beginning to feel more calm around it. Like this, job searching, is not such a big deal anymore. I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but it’s beginning to feel like it’s not the Herculean effort it’s been for me in the past.

Perhaps part of it is the stop-gaps I’ve created for myself with my “R+D” hours; perhaps part of it is simply grace. Who knows, maybe even part of it is more hours of sunlight, or I’m back to my morning practice, or less caffeine to feed general anxiety.

But, it’s a strange new beginning development. And, I like it. I’m not “secure” in it, I don’t feel some overwhelming sense of the order of the Universe, and a divine calm or serenity. I feel like a more logical, okay, let’s get ‘er done, sense of order. I guess I’m feeling more prepared.

That’s something that’s come up on some inventory I’ve been doing around my patterns of secretary job / quit / secretary job / quit. … school. ;) The reality is that I've had good intentions, but I didn’t have the information, research, foundation to make any kind of alternate job work. I had great intentions – hang paintings, sell art, host gallery events – but no idea who to talk to, where to start, or any real idea of the lay of the land.

I was doing what I sometimes do – take a developmentally inappropriate step toward something; fall short, of course; then point and say, see, I told you this path was closed to you.

Instead of simply recognizing that baby steps is where I am. I really am. Teeny tiny little putterings in some direction or other. Write an email, make a phone call, listen to others, reach out for help. Not, propose some grand effort at which I’m marginally qualified.

I feel better coming to recognize where I really am – to acknowledge that I want a creative arena to be my bread and butter – but I’m more willing to be open to what that looks like. I’m more willing to “get a job,” and let the rest fall into place. I don’t have to necessarily earn by making art – not “right now,” that’s one of those “too big for my britches” steps. But I can get myself, allow myself to get to a stable financial place so I can begin making the babysteps toward that. First things first as they say.

The Philly job is in a creative setting. It also includes administrative tasks. But, from the description, it could be a great fit. I am trying to hold the whole thing loosely. There’s a part of me that’s getting really excited about it – and then there’s the part of me that’s like, dude, 10% of the population is looking for work, chill out, do what’s in front of you, and be humble.

Yes, AND, it’s nice to recognize that I’m becoming willing to really understand that school is over in TWO WEEKS, and it really is time to get a job which affords me the luxury of 3 meals a day… I really like that luxury. Furthermore, on the Philly front, it’s close enough to the family, without being in NY, where I don’t want to be. I’ve visited often enough to know, that like here, there’s a variety of socio economic, cultural, political pockets; the weather is similar to how I grew up – and last time I was there about 2 or 3 years ago in an October, the leaves changing were like magic.

Who knows. What I know is that I’m willing to broaden my search, not run away, do the research, ask for mo-fo’in help, and, at the moment, eat breakfast and go see my peeps.