Thursday, May 1, 2014

Progress is Boring.

(in an effort to release perfectionism, I’m going to admit this blog kinda bored me, but I’m putting it up anyway. achievement unlocked!)

I’ve heard there’s a difference between planning and projecting.

Do the first to create peace; do the second and create angst.

As with most of my plans lately -- job stuff, the Boston trip, even the acting (I’ll be auditioning again on Saturday) -- it’s been a lot easier, though not easy, to take the action and let the results be what they may.

What I’ve gotten to see out of this way of being around the trip and the acting is that indeed, the action was worth it, regardless the results. In fact, that the results are still positive: I get to feel the joy of trying, and the smile associated with remembering. I get to feel proud for showing up, and a sense of peace around having not “gotten my way” or gotten in my way – unlike the outcome of projecting.

It’s nice to be able to recognize that the effort was worth the effort. It could be easy to dismiss, and say, That wasn’t worth my time since I didn’t get what I want – but, we know, I did. I got to spend time with someone I enjoy; I got to experience auditioning (and even acting). I got to see who and how I am in relationship, in perseverance, in something new – and I like who I was, and who I saw.

I’ve been hemming around signing up for my work’s retirement plan. I’ve been eligible for almost half a year, and it’s been on my list of “action items” to talk to the accountant at work, find out how much would be taken out of my paycheck to hit the minimum, which would be matched by my employer.

Some people dream of this kind of benefit… and I’ve been scared to look. What if there isn’t enough for me now? What if there won’t be enough for me later? What if it’s too late? What if …

“Clarity leads to freedom,” is a phrase I hear around now. And the truth, like my student loans, could be a lot more palatable than I imagined/feared/projected.

So, this week I did ask for those numbers. I sat, listened, saw the highlighted figures on the page, and then stuffed the paper into my purse! Carrying around this step toward clarity without actually looking is still being in vagueness.

I’m still scared. As if looking at a page will harm me!

Clarity leads to freedom. It’s better to know than not know. It’s better to try than not try. It’s better to live in reality than in fantasy, mostly because my fantasies are pretty nihilistic.

If I’ve gotten anything out of the last few months, or even year, it’s that trying can actually be fun. No matter the outcome.

I think about my band. I think about playing bass in that band. And how freaking fun that was. It was some work, and not always serene, but it was fun. It was enlivening.

And I quit.

It was time to move on, but that doesn’t discount the value and the importance of that experience in my life.

From the vague listening to the accountant, I don’t think my salary can support those retirement contributions, modest though they are. But, also, I’ve learned that my estimation of things can skew toward scarcity and fear, so I’ll be taking those numbers to friends who can help me get more perspective on them, since there may be a truth that I can’t see through that fog.

The other thing that comes up lately, is that I think I wanna band again. Active verb. To band. I want to band.

So, I'll plan, not project. 

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