MyHead Revisited

I can’t even remember who it was now, but recently a friend told me that she is consistently revisiting and reevaluating her goals. What seemed like the best and truest goal two years ago may no longer hold the sway, and so, daily almost, but certainly every while or so, we must revisit what we’d thought we were heading toward – like recalibrating our compass.

I’d come up with this vision a few years ago, maybe 2 or 3 now, of my ideal daily schedule. The early morning, of course, is inner work like I already do (journaling, meditating, blogging); the rest of the morning hours would be spent in working on my craft, in a detached studio in the backyard that would be half an art studio and half a music studio. Couches, light, friends to jam or visit.

In the afternoon, I would go out “into the world,” and do *something* of which I’m still unsure having to do with the community -- being involved, helping others, maybe working after school with kids, or facilitating my workshop, or some kind of public speaking. Unknown task, but known purpose: to help, to connect, to be in community.

The evening would be play time. Either I’d be in theater productions, performing with my band, out at art shows or readings. That would be my friend, fun, out, “On” time.

And that’s my day. All seen from a white kitchen, where I stand, maybe 50 years old, chopping something at the island block, the art studio visible from a door to the backyard.

Not a bad vision, eh?!

But. It’s also time to revisit it. And my thoughts and goals in general. Are these intentions still relevant, powered, intended? Are these my values? Dunno. I’ll have to sit with them for a while.

What I surprised me this morning, however, is that several of my intentions have become realized. Though I know I am unfulfilled in my employment, as I remember where I was when I discovered the above vision a few years ago (also unfulfilled in my employment), I recognize I am no longer looking at this vision from a place of Yeah Sure, Right. As a completely foreign land.

I guess I’m being vague.

To drill down: This morning, I’m boarding a bus, to a train, to a plane that will carry me across the land to visit a girl friend and her new baby. Three years ago, this would be impossible.

And that’s what I’m trying to get at here: Something that was impossible, is now utterly completely possible, and it’s happening. In 4 hours. It is. There is no waiting, no longing, no hemming, no envy. I am doing what I’ve wanted to be able to do because I am able to do it.

Perhaps this all sounds quite bent this morning, perhaps having not packed yet is making me anxious to put all this down and get onto that plane.

But, I hope you get my meaning.

Because even as few as 2 weeks ago, I was as depressed and lost-feeling as Tom Hanks without Wilson. Despite the mantra of my friend that, This too shall pass, it didn’t feel that way, and I had no idea how that could happen. Nothing can really change, can it? It’s all the same Groundhog Day, isn’t it?

But, Bill Murray wakes up in the end to a new future, doesn’t he?

What looks like the continuation of a road going nowhere, long and desperate and desolate… well, this morning at least, I see that it’s not.

It doesn’t solve my life. It doesn’t offer clarity or freedom or a path lit up like the exit lines in a plane. But, in some ways, my recognition of my being here does fucking solve it.

The fact that this is enough. That I am happy – that I allowed myself to take a vacation, to visit a friend, to take action toward something that was valuable to me. … Actually, that does solve my life.

To look up from my navel-gazing and my despair and my coordinate-less destination, to remember (oh forgive me) that the journey is happening right now, and that I am (FINALLY) participating in it and NOTICE that I am participating in it:

Well, it feels like Alice in the ‘50s cartoon version of her story, walking along a path through the woods when a dog with a push-broom nose comes along behind her, and erases the path from which she came, cuts around in front of her, and continues to sweep away the path toward which she’s going, so that finally, all she’s left with is one illuminated square.

But for me, I’m seeing today (and this all may change tomorrow!) that this is pretty good square.