Spirit Animals & Oil Paint

So, this may be a mini-blog, as I’ve got to run to get ready for the annual new year's retreat I’m going to today through tomorrow up in the Napa Hills. I’m excited. I never know what will come of these, but there’s always something.

I was reminded yesterday of accepting things as they are, not as I want them to be. And of the phrase, We ask G-d for what we want, he gives us what we need, and in the end, it’s what we wanted anyway.

I got a text from the Catholic saying he was bummed; and I admit that I am too. But I let it lie, because there’s nothing really else to say. It’s a decision I’ve finally made, and maybe it’ll change, but for now, this is an option I’ve never let myself explore, and if that’s not being open to change, I don’t know what is.

Another thing on my mind have been creeping thoughts of “not good enough” as I begin to prepare for my singing and acting auditions next weekend and the following. But, luckily, I heard myself telling my friend yesterday that, to quote Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way, we’re in charge of the quantity, G-d’s in charge of the quality.

That, and maybe I really do need lessons of some sort. Maybe I don’t have to do it on my own. And maybe, as this is the consistent nudge I’ve been getting toward performance, maybe a miracle of funds to afford said lessons will “appear” or make themselves available, or maybe my ideas of my priorities will change and the money is actually already there.

I have, however, been thinking “car.” One of next week’s auditions is for the live modeling guild. It’s reputable and on the up and up, and you need reliable motorized transportation in order to be a member. So, that, and the desperate desire for the freedom my own car would provide… I get my student loan money soon, and will be filing my taxes early online as usual, and although I didn’t work as much as I’d anticipated this week due to being sick, I will have some money from this temp gig to throw in as well, with my January costs all still being covered from the work I was able to do in December.

I think part of my self-doubt around performance too is that I have been sick and sort of isolated this week, which contributes to too much time in my brain – and feeling lethargic is not a good motivator. But, I’m on the mend – this retreat will help recenter me, I hope, as will getting back to work, and getting back to school … which begins the week after next.

You know what I’m taking? Painting. Advanced Oil Painting to be exact. What else? My thesis credit, and that’s f’ing it ;) I’m so excited to get back into the painting studio. I’ve tried to use my kitchen as a studio, and even have a small easel that I got off craigslist, but it’s not the same. The light, the space, the feeling of being in an artistic venue. I’m so excited :)

I will also be taking the other half-credit of my Community Teaching Project class, which will be the execution and implementation of the Spirituality & Creativity workshop I created. And to be honest, going to these retreats & workshops with this woman over the last 4 years has absolutely influenced the way I see my workshop, and I model a good deal after what she and Julia Cameron have to offer. I have some great teachers.

Maybe I’ll let myself have some teachers in performance too. I ran into a friend at the modeling gig I did about a month ago. He was one of the musicians in the band I sang with about 4 years ago – it was one song, to be performed in the one performance of one local community play, but I rehearsed with the band, I practiced my song, and what did my friend have to say to me last month? That when I finally let myself really let go, I was great. And, I believe him. It’s letting myself get there that’s the frightening part.

To shedding that which no longer serves us, See you on Monday! xo,m.