Bless It or Block It

How many things can one person wholly commit to?

I went on a first date yesterday via a set-up. It was really fun. We got along great, and had a nice time. And so, now all the ‘What-if’s pop into my brain. Or, the questions, doubts. He’s not Jewish. Is that a Deal-breaker – I’ve never yet decided. He lives an hour&a half away. I don’t have a car – I’ve done that “medium-distance” relationship before. It looks like - or it did look like - attempting to shove all the things you would be able to do throughout a week into the weekend. Get all the fun and funny and adventure and rest and sexy time all in the 48 or so hours you have together. It was a lot of pressure to only be "happy", and sort of exhausting. Plus, at the time, I also had a car.

But, mostly what’s been on my mind since yesterday (besides the obvious knowledge that I actually don’t have to do anything right now, as I haven’t been asked out for a 2^nd date yet, so … slow the crazy train). … But, How many things can one person … or how many fledgling things can one person commit to?

By this, I am considering my new-found and very fledgling commitment to myself and my dreams. It’s ironic(?) that after going through the book Calling in The One, which helped to push me into the direction of performance, stage, music, following my dreams basically, that now, here I am faced with a potential opportunity for romance, and I’m hesitant. Is there enough of me to go around?

The next few weekends look like this: women’s new year’s retreat in Napa, audition, audition, audition. Yes. Three auditions in the two weekends following the retreat. And then there’s the rehearsal that will begin for The Vagina Monologues, which I’m in at school at the end of February.

So, … hence, “bless it or block it.” Were this gentleman Jewish, living in SF or Oakland, were I a private transportation owning female, would I, do I want a relationship right now? After doing all that “work” to make myself available for a relationship, have I simply cleared the space for a relationship with myself? Which, don’t get me wrong, is incredible. I’m entirely thrilled and proud of myself for heading, however haltingly, in the direction of something which incites joy in me just thinking about it. But, is there enough left over? Do I want there to be?

These are the questions that arise after one date! But, it’s not him, or the date – it’s me – what am I available for? Beginning to take the most delightful and frightening and nail biting steps in the direction of my heart’s desires for myself is a lot of work. It is a commitment. And when I began CITO, actually when I read the preview pages on Amazon before purchasing this dubiously titled book, I knew as soon as I read “If we’re finding an absence of a supportive, nurturing, committed relationship in our lives, we have to ask ourselves where are we not these things to ourselves?”, I knew then immediately where I wasn’t committed to myself, in this area of my “silly” nudges, dreams, aspirations, desires.

So, now here I am. Becoming more fully committed to myself and watching this tree bear the fruit. The fruit is joy, not the job, the part, the gig, it’s the joy of watching myself head there. It’s entirely new and rad and incredible to begin to remove the roadblocks I’ve arbitrarily placed in my own path. (I can’t be on stage because I’m too tall; I can’t play open mics because I can’t play guitar well enough.)

I’m willing to remain open at this moment to whatever happens next. Maybe we’ll be friends. Maybe he won’t even contact me again. Maybe he’ll ask me out and I’ll say yes. But, none of that is happening at this very moment. What is happening now is that I need to get ready for work at my SF temp gig, and I have some lovely Little Star Pizza leftover to take for lunch.

That, and it’s time to print some more headshots. ;)