Serenity Moths

First off, I’m embarrassingly late to work. My alarm went off early, but since the retreat, I’ve been ddddrrrragggging to get there. Luckily, I’m a temp, get paid by the hour, so, one hour less today…and yesterday…and Monday ;) But, it’s also just news to me that this phase is coming to an end – both literally and spiritually. My regular temping with them will come to an end this Friday, and then I do have the option of coming in two days a week once school begins, but we’ll see what happens. I’m taking this enormous and uncharacteristic display of lateness to be a sign that this isn’t my gig. That I’m indicating to myself it’s time to try another door. This one is closing. I’m not going to burn bridges – though I suppose being an hour late is a way to do that! – but I am going to begin to place my energy and search into alternative sources of income once school begins.

Secondly, I’m dressed in all black today. My motorcycle jacket-looking shirt, black skinny jeans, and the black slouchy flat boots I bought recently, giving in to the whole slouchy boot look, but actually thinking it looks pretty awesome on me ;) I began to buy a few pieces of black clothing last year – this was a HUGELY new development. If you’ve seen me, or know my closet, it’s like a colorwheel exploded in there. In fact, someone once told me that I looked like a box of Crayolas threw up on me, I wore so much color. And, I took that as a good thing. My mother wore bbbeeeeiiiigge throughout my early childhood – every shade of oatmeal, sand, tan there was. Eventually, she went black with stark red lipstick and leather pants (this was around the time of the divorce!). And now, she’s come into color, soft pale, kinder colors. Some bright, but for the most part, soft. Obviously, color means a lot to the way women in my family express themselves and their inner landscape.

So, when I began to move away from blinding, bold color, it was a major shift for me. Black. All black today. I’m thinking that for me at the moment, it’s not about goth, or despair, it’s one part blank slate – a tabula rasa period of resetting the color wheel before what’s next. It’s also one part, I’m cooler than I’ve let myself ever be. Black is cool. It’s also off-putting sometimes, but, now I’m rambling a bit about it – but I guess my point is that I’m observing change happening in myself and on myself from a very unconscious subtle avenue.

Lastly, re: Serenity Moths. Last night, I was reflecting about ways in which my life is unmanageable still. I began a list, which started with “Overdue library books.” And not like a day or two late, but like, I returned a stack a few weeks ago, and the amount I owed was over $20. And, last night, I had a stack that needed to get back to school, but with the miniscule amounts of time I have after work and on weekends to take the bus to and from school, these books are starting to accumulate fees.

Serenity Moth 1.

Serenity Moth 2: I have a battery-powered air freshener spray I got when I got my cat, because I am LOATHE to allow my home to smell like a cat lady’s!!! I replaced the actual spray, which had run out, about a month ago, but the battery has been running down. And instead of a firm spray at every 30 minute interval, it has begun to be a sort of sad pthhhhtt… dribbling down itself from lack of power. Every thirty minutes I’m home, I hear it go pthhhhtt… and think, I should change the battery. But I don’t.

It’s not like I don’t have batteries – I do. I just have let the thing wind down for a few weeks now. This is a Serenity Moth. Something which I could easily do something about to make my life work better and which I just don’t need to be thinking about! Wouldn’t it be lovely if every thirty minutes I wasn’t reminded how sad the air freshener was? Wouldn’t it be lovely if my brain didn’t need to have one more thing needling at it?

Lastly as an example (the list of serenity moths, as I’ve termed them, was very long – and included things like, waiting till the last minute to memorize monologues, not going to music shows, … being late to work) ;) when I came home from the retreat on Sunday, I wasn’t ready to dive back into facebook or rush back into reality, so I decided I was going to cook a hearty winter vegetable stew. And I did. Stew done. Some imbibed. Time for bed. But… I had an entire pot of stew I needed to put away for storage. Problem? I didn’t have enough tupperware containers.

But, that’s not true. I did have enough. I had many. In fact, I had them right here in my fridge. But.

About 5 or 6 containers were in my fridge, filled with food which had been there for lengths of time ranging from a few weeks, to …. a year. Yes. Sadly, Serenity Mothingly, Yes. A year.

How do I know that? One of the tupperware containers belongs to my ex. So I wouldn’t have borrowed or cooked anything there in over a year. My fridge has been full of rotting food. A lot of it for a long long time. And I needed some tupperware.

So, I finally did was I was wanting to do, but could never bring myself to do for a very long time. I emptied out the science experiments. I held my breath, opened the containers, and dumped out all the bad, sad, self-defeating, energy-sapping, brain space intruders. And washed them till they squeaked. And now, I am currently storing my stew (in the freezer!). And I have zero zero rotting food in my refrigerator.

Perhaps that’s entirely gross, and you didn’t want to hear about that – but … the point is that this is all growth. Even the being late to work. I’m not chastising myself around it – which I could – but I’m seeing it as an opportunity to do something different. A chance to listen to what my body and my energy is telling me – which is that I need to be brave enough to try something else, because this option is no longer an option.

I’m willing to see myself as I walk in the world differently, as a woman who isn’t hiding behind color – cuz you can do that too. Distract people. I’m willing to let myself feel cool, powerful, visible, and allow for whatever wants to come next to enter slowly, and kindly.

And, when I got home last night I spent some time in action, and was able to cross about 5 Serenity Moths off my list. These are the holes in the sieve I’m going to need to close in order to hold the grace and abundance I have in my life and I have coming to me in my life.

And now, off to work. In my really hip new boots. :)