Suddenly Seymour

I did it again. I agreed to a job that I didn’t stop to consider whether I wanted to do it, but rather whether I could do it.

At about 3pm yesterday, I get an email from a woman I’ve babysat for before saying her sitter cancelled, and could I sit for her tonight. Almost immediately, without pausing to consider one way or the other, I email her back and say thank you, but I have my final paper due for school tomorrow, and I really need to concentrate on getting that done. But think of me for next time.

Then, my brain starts in. Couldn’t I finish the paper before I sit for them? Sure, I’ll barely get home, scarf down some food, and rush out to BART where she’ll pick me up, but I could do it, right? I mean, I want her to know I’m a reliable babysitter, someone she can call on to pay me x amount of money. If I don’t take this job, she won’t think of me next time. If I don’t take this job, I’ll be out a handful of cash, and I could use it.

So.Many.“Could”s. I could do it. So, I email her back, and say, you know what, I think I can do it. Let’s meet at this BART station at this time.

Then, all of the reality of my over-commiting sinks in. Really, Molly? I’m actually back at home, jacket still on, sitting on my floor with my Shakespeare paper open on my laptop when I realize that I’ve done it again. (Oops) :P

And so, now, at the last minute, I text her and let her know that I thought I could do it, but I really can’t, and that I’m so sorry for accepting a job that I couldn’t really take. She texts me back to say No worries. But, it stuck with me.

This is one of those death-rattle behaviors. These are the last vestiges, it feels to me, of a behavior that is on its way out. But, as is usually the case, the Universe will give me a few more opportunities to see if I’m really willing to let go of accepting things I don’t want to do, can’t do, feel I “should” do. Am I ready to stop chasing the crumbs?

Cuz that’s part of what it comes down to. If I don’t show up for this thing you’ve asked of me, you won’t give me love, esteem, validation. If I don’t show up, even in a resentful, exhausted, crippled manner, you will forget about me and I will be invisible.

Obviously, to a rational observer, these are lies. As more likely, when I am rested, refilled, and available in mind and body, then am I more able to give anything at all. People are not asking me to give from the dregs of my well to them. They’re asking normal questions. And I’m offering them my dregs. That’s not fair to anyone involved, and certainly, then, when I flake.

I had a situation this weekend where a woman had agreed to meet me at a time and place, and I made effort to get into the city to do so. While I’m on BART, she texts to say she can’t make it, and I’m furious. Way more pissed than the situation calls for – and I know it’s because it’s the same behavior I dislike in myself. Why agree to something when you know you can’t do it?

My flakiness is a result of agreeing to stuff that I can’t show up for. I agree to stuff I can’t show up for because I maintain a system of belief that you will only love me and care about me if I’m Super Molly. I am willing to let this go, because it’s just not working anymore. Super Molly is a flake, and I don’t want to do that anymore. I’d rather be human Molly, making commitments I know I can, and showing up to those fully and without resentment. I’d rather be human Molly who doesn’t need to feed on the approval of others for my sustenance. As human Molly, it means that I am equal to you – no better, no worse, and I don’t have to prove I’m either.

Finally, in meditation this morning, I had the song “Suddenly Seymour” from Little Shop of Horrors come to me (yes, sometimes my meditations are weird). But what occurred to me about it is that the song's "Seymour" = my Higher Power. (fyi, i get tons of puns and sight gags in my dreams and meditations. my mind/heart is one that would cook something like this up with no problem!) My HP is “here to provide me” with everything I need. My HP, "treating me kindly" with "sweet understanding."* I don’t need to depend on others’ approval for my self-esteem, I don’t need to depend on my fear-based thoughts when I answer requests from others, I don’t need to dig from my dregs to be a member of this world. We’ll see how willing I am to let go of all of this when the next opportunity comes up, but (I hope) for today, Seymour’s my man. 

*and because I can't resist... "I'd meet a dollar/approval, I'd follow it blindly - A job snaps its fingers, Me? I'd say sure!"