The Whatifs

Last month, I contacted my psychic to ask about this upcoming trip to visit the Boston Cupcake (as he shall henceforth be known).

I can get an emailed reading from her, and despite your and my own doubts, I get pretty accurate and insightful results from her, via email or by phone. I mean, I’ve met her and all – but this isn’t about her. It’s about him. And me.

I’d panicked a little after we’d confirmed that I was going to fly out, over the continent, to spend 4 days in his bed, arms, town, space. As Shel Silverstein elegantly put it:

Last night, while I lay thinking here,

Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear

And pranced and partied all night long

And sang their same old Whatif song:

Whatif it’s awkward?

Whatif I can’t sleep?

Whatif I don’t come?

Whatif we ruin our friendship?

Whatif it’s good, but that’s the end of it?

Whatif it sucks in person, and we never text-flirt again?

Whatif we do like each other?

Whatif we fall in love?

Whatif I'm too bruised to fall in love?

Whatif I have to move?

Whatif I move and it doesn’t work out?
Whatif we get married and have kids, and everything works out amazingly?
Whatif we get married and have kids, and struggle for money?

Whatif I have to leave the Bay Area?
Whatif I can't afford to leave the Bay Area?
Whatif there’s no women’s spiritual community?
Whatif I never see my friends here again?
Whatif I hate the winter there?

Whatif he doesn’t like the way I laugh?

Whatif I don’t like the way he chews?

Whatif …

What if.

Va voy.

So, a few days before the deadline to purchase my flight, I emailed my psychic to try to divine some answers. What are the implications of this trip? Is this a good match? Is this a good thing, even if it’s not a match? What Is Going To Happen To Me???

Well, here’s what happened: She got sick, and emailed me that she’d have to postpone my reading until the following week. Or, she could just PayPal me back the funds and cancel the reading.

So, I thought about it. What was I really trying to get from her and her answers, anyway? Assurance, Confirmation, Certainty.

Ah, yes. Certainty. If you can tell me with certainty that the risk I’m about to take has the outcome that I want, then I’ll take it. If you cannot tell me with certainty that it will be alright, then I am terrified to risk it.

So, I went to her blog, to re-acquaint myself with her, to see if I could divine my own answer, since I knew I was trying to get something that no one else could really offer me. That life can never offer me.

And her most recent post was basically, if I remember correctly, about taking chances. About putting your best effort forward, and letting go; about allowing ourselves to try, and to know that whatever the outcome, we’re cosmically safe.

Arghh…. Right. I am safe, loved, assured, no matter what any outcome; but it is my responsibility to try.

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

So, I emailed her back, and told her her blog helped me realize that it was up to me to take this risk, to try without certainty to allow adventure, intimacy, attraction, vulnerability into my life. That I would take the refund from her, and go on this trip, and let all these unknowable chips fall where they may.

Because, it all flows from what I was just saying yesterday, about throwing my hat in the ring at work, professionally putting myself out there, just for the esteem of it, not knowing if it’ll “go my way,” but getting the benefits of trying anyway.

It’s all about what I’d quoted earlier this week, “You gotta get in it, cuz it’s a day-by-day gig.”

If nothing changes, nothing changes.

I won’t know til I try. I won’t have certainty even when I am in it. None of us do, even with cohabitation, a ring, children, none of us know if this will "work out," or if we'll end up signing divorce papers, bankruptcy papers, restraining orders.

But, what I know for certain is that I really am looking forward to this trip, to spending this time with someone I admire, fancy, and enjoy. I really am so very happy that I am taking a risk, stepping into the wide unknown, opening my arms and falling into his, come what may.