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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

“The Force that through the Green Fuse Drives the Flower” ~ Dylan Thomas


I have heard it said that the only reasonable person to compare ourselves to, is ourselves.

I was questioning what really had changed for me during this time of illness and convalescence. What had I learned. Had I become more anything, tenacious, responsible, accountable? And I thought about where I was 7 years ago.

7 years ago, I was living in a studio apartment in Seoul, South Korea, nearing the end of my year-long English teaching contract, which was to end in February, and send me out again into the world. To give an idea of who and how I was at this time, I had, a few weeks earlier, made a bet with myself, to sleep in those 10 weekends with ten different men. I nearly made the bet. I was a stumbling, loud drunk. I was heartbroken over a guy who eventually told me that he “liked me a lot,” when I admitted that I’d been in love with him. I was a mess.

Why choose 7 years ago specifically? Well, it was three months, two continents, and one cross-country road trip later when I landed in San Francisco, and got sober. I always get a little reflect-y around this time of the year, thinking of how simply awful things were, and how I had no idea, well, not really much of one, of how much in a loop of misery I was.

My eye is healing. There’s a wonderfully gross looking scab on it, but it will heal. My friend yesterday was marveling at how our bodies have the miraculous capacity to rebuild, and reform. To normalize, heal, and recover, without much work on our part. It just happens. Our bodies heal.

Without much work on my part (well, I’ll take a little credit, and acknowledge the acres of people around and before me) my life has normalized to something. Something much different than it was 7 years ago.

I was informed yesterday that my landlord has not been waiving my rent, but, rather, I now owe about $3000 in back rent. And, you know what. So what. It will heal. It’ll take time, and planning and responsibility, but it will heal. It’s just money.

This whole, what am I supposed to do with my life, mind-trip, you know what? Either I’ll get it this life, or I won’t, and I’ll get the chance to try again next round. It will heal, or it won’t. I will still continue to do what I can and what is indicated to help me “fulfill my potential,” but you know what? In the end, it will be what it will be. I am not the force that pushes flower. I am just the green fuse.

Knowing that if I simply continue to do what has kept me safe and sober for almost 7 years, that I will be given the opportunity to heal and grow, that’s the only certainty. (And with the big ole cancer thing, time itself isn’t certain.) But the only thing I can do is put one letter in front of the other, cry when I need to cry, make a phone call when I need to take action. And just be. I am not the force. I am just the fuse. 

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