Reflective, *possibly* Hopeful

Well, I can’t help but debate whether the fifth and final round of chemo, slated to begin next week, is the right thing for me to do, or whether I should forego it and “take my chances.” But just because I debate it, doesn’t mean I won’t do it. The longer this process goes on, however, the more complications become known, like the risk of “secondary cancer” (from the chemo treatment itself), and continued strain on my liver, which my chiro/naturopath says is pretty aggravated these days.

And even though at this point, I feel it’s “not about the cancer,” about my actually having and curing of the cancer, I don’t know that I could live with the “What if’s” if I don’t have the final round. I mean, I don’t have to. It’s just protocol, since the only study they’ve ever done on chemo for Leukemia patients (which, dude, really??) was on 5 total rounds, so they do 5. They never did a study on what happens to folks with 4 rounds, 3, or even six. So, 5 it is. Just “because,” because it’s what they know, what they can see and test, and because a paper says so. God love Western Medicine.

As the (pleasepleasepleaseplease) end comes nearer of this process / ordeal / drama / illness / emergency / tragedy, I question what I now know, what is now different for and in me, that wouldn’t have been different if I hadn’t had cancer. I continue to ask "why," even though I've heard that's “not a spiritual question,” and I continue to pose my own answers. I have some plausible “reasons” or outcomes of my having had to go through this, a period of time that gave me access to ideas and actions that I wouldn’t have necessarily gained without it. Who knows if any of them are “accurate,” but it’s good for me to see that, even though I haven’t figured out the meaning or purpose of my life, I can see that I have gotten some gains out of this process/ordeal/etc.

Was my getting cancer about…:

• asking for and receiving help?
• getting me to address old trauma with new therapy?
• individuating from my dad’s internalized expectations of success and approval?
• was it about getting a car (which I might be)?
• seeing my mom and my brother?
• taking a break from the rat-race?
• letting myself go on a real vacation?
• seeing my chiro more often?
• being leant a better keyboard?
• making different friends?
• learning how to advocate for myself and trust myself?
• taking responsibility for my life?
• learning/realizing how damn much I want to be alive, and how asleep/numb I’ve been in it?
• realizing how sad/depressed/lonely I’ve been and starting to take action to get out of it?
• Is it about sharing my writing? simply about exposing my blog to a wider audience?
• helping others as I process my own process?
• getting clearer on money and how to manage it?
• is it about clearing clutter from my home, or getting a bedframe?
• is it about my now being better able to relate to others in hard situations?
• is it about realizing how much help there is, what a great place I live in, and how much I love California?
• it is about actively using alternative medicine and questioning the reach of Western medicine (which, ahem, I’m pretty sure I was doing)?
• Is it about taking an improv class, and asking to sing with my friends’ bands?
• is it about a new haircut…?

Is it about relinquishing my perceived control of my life and my ideas of how my life should go and be going?

Is it about a devastation and rebuild of my ideas about faith and my connection with whatever “It” there is?

Is my getting cancer about learning to believe fiercely in myself (act in progress) no matter my income or job title?

Or is it simply about starting to sing little snippets of songs again as I putter around my house?

“Why” may not be a spiritual question, and there may not even be a "Why" at all, but, to me, those are some good answers.