You know you have cancer, right?

Arghh. My body says, **YAAAwwwNNN** My brain says, Are we done resting yet, huh huh, Are we doing something, going somewhere? Why are we on the couch again, huh? Huh? It’s LIGHT out! Look, there’s even SUN! Are we going outside, huh?

Mother.

Apparently other people are much more compassionate to the fact that I’m recovering from my third round of chemo than I am.

Even the question, as posed by my nurse this morning, “If I were going through chemo, and said I was tired a lot, what would you tell me?” gets my response of, “Well, I know I would tell you to take it easy, but for me…”

It’s hard to let myself acknowledge that I am tired, that my body is not working up to the speed it was, and even simple things (like being awake) make me tired. Especially when I’ve withstood the actual treatment so well, and don’t have any major physical repercussions, I feel like I should (ahem SHOULD – watch word for nonsense and perfectionism) be able to do what I used to.

I used to take hour-long walks; after my last rounds of chemo, I was able to take half-hour, and that was fine, acceptable. Now, I can take 10 minutes, really, without needing to sit down and rest.

Because of this development, however, I have firmly made my plans for my next chemo treatment – I’d been asking my doctor if I could move the next round earlier, so that I could ensure that I would be healthy enough to go on the annual New Year retreat I go on in mid-January. She got back to me today saying I could start on Wednesday if I wanted …

Seeing, or feeling rather, how I’m feeling, I realize that I need more recuperation time. So I asked my doctor if I could wait to start until after the retreat, this way I know I can attend the retreat as my best self, and I get to re-up a little more before the 4^th round. She said something I felt was funny, if not mildly insensitive, “Objectively, your body is ready for the next round (i.e. blood counts up, etc.), but I can understand that subjectively, your body feels tired.” Um… yes, does that make it less true?

I’m not that bristled by the comment; I mean, it’s technically true, et al, but it doesn’t make my body feel any more “get up and go” just because objectively it has all the red and white cells it needs!

So, I will wait. Recuperate. Rest, if I let myself.

It felt like a good decision for me, to choose to take care of myself, rather than play by an agenda that doesn’t work for me, and on that note, I will update you on the “dad situation,” since I know several of you have asked me about it.

Well, after I emailed my dad last week to ask him to be in more touch, and getting a marginally increased amount of contact, with no more depth to it than ever, I decided I can’t do this. These conversations may be longer now, but of no more substance; they're not really conversations at all, but more like monologues at each other. Nothing has really changed. And every time he calls, my chest constricts, and I am either exasperated at the timing of the call, or hesitant to pick up because I don’t really like the man much. And so, I wrote him an email yesterday after talking with a woman I trust, and let him know that although I’d just asked for more contact with him, I’d actually like to ask for a break from contact. That I’m “going through some things” (HA!), and will keep him updated as to my treatments.

Yesterday, I also ended a relationship with a woman I’d been meeting with weekly to help guide her through some of the same “self-help” work I’ve done. I’ve been wanting to end this relationship for a while, as it EXHAUSTS me, but I also felt that, "we're in the middle of the work, how can I let her go now, can’t I just get to the end of this little bit with her?…"

No. Finally, no.

So, yesterday was a big day for me. I asked to have no contact with my dad for a while, and I told a woman that I can’t work with her anymore (because of the cancer… she says, not altogether truthfully – but kindly). “Trimming the fat,” is what I called it to my friend. Trimming the fat of relationships that don’t work for me.

Another friend asked me today how I felt in the wake of these moves, and I said… I don’t really know. I feel a little at sea, honestly, which I think is a good thing – to let what will form in the absence of negativity form. I don’t really know how I feel, except perhaps relieved. I think it’ll take a few days to let it settle in that I’m taking time for myself, that I’m putting my needs first, and allowing for them to be met by people who are actually able to meet them.

It’s the end of the year, the time when we settle up the last twelve months; I’m glad I don’t have to go into the new one carrying the burden of relationships that don’t work for me. 

Merry Christmas Eve, everyone.