Two Fun Things.

In contrast with yesterday, today I got to write my morning pages before the chemo began, and just now, I got to go up to the 12^th floor and sit with a group of folks for an hour and try not to think about myself. – I admit it was hard; the self-centered thing is hard to kick, in this and, certainly other situations. But there was someone there talking about struggling against themselves, and trying to “get it right,” and I knew the kind of pain he was going through to stop living in a self-destructive way, and I felt empathy.

Empathy is a tough thing when you have cancer. Like this morning, when my nurse told me that she hated to work weekends around the holidays, because she never gets her Christmas shopping done in time.  – I found it hard to have empathy, even though, surely, somewhere, I do recognize it must be frustrating once again for someone to want to do things “right,” and not getting them done that way.

I also, this morning, got to speak with my therapist on the phone, which was also helpful. I didn’t get to the meditation or the blog until now, … and to be honest, I haven’t gotten to the meditation at all. But, at least I’m not as ornery as yesterday. Getting out of this room for an hour helped.

Knowing, that most likely I will be released tomorrow after I receive my final dose of chemo Round 3 tonight from 9-midnight, well, that helps too.

I think I’ve decided that I’d rather do the Hawaii thing when I can really appreciate it. There is, however, the fear that once this treatment thing is over, I’ll jump right back into the fray, and will once again have no time or money for the things that I’d really like to do.

I am scared shitless of doing the same things again and again. Of going back to a sedentary life.

So, part of this let’s go to Hawaii NOW thing is to preemptively strike against my own pattern – but… that’s not really a sustainable solution either.

Furthermore, if I push out my treatment instead of taking it on schedule, this all winds up a longer process, which isn’t what I want either. So, I think I’m going to aim to go to the retreat in January (in Napa, not Maui!) after my chemo treatment. We’ll see – it’ll be my intention. My health does come first, but it’s hard to know right now what is the primary mode of health I’m meaning when I say that.

Is it my mental health? Treatable (in theory and fantasy) by a trip to somewhere warm and totally far away from this. Is it my spiritual health? Treatable (in theory and fantasy) by a trip up to the Napa hills for a day and a half. Is it my physical health that is “the most important thing” to me right now? Treatable by maintaining my course of chemotherapy treatments.

I don’t know. All of them are important to me, obviously. But what are ways that I can support my mental and spiritual health without compromising my physical health, and all the vice versas?

Well, that’s something that came up on the phone today with my therapist. What would I do that was fun? What can I still physically do that is fun? If I weren’t a cancer patient, what would I be doing for fun? …. Hm, that really stumped me, as the reality was I wasn’t having too much fun before all this began anyway.

I did come up with something – I’ve taken myself ice skating a few times over the last year, beginning last holiday season with the most marvelous date with me and my inner child/little girl, who insisted on Hot Chocolate when the skating was done.

I’ve gone since then, just for fun, because I’m terrible, and I have an amazing time being terrible. I flail, and have to let 10-year-olds pass by me as we all hold on to the guard rail for dear life; I laugh my bloody ass off is what I do, and have a smile a meter wide. I love being silly like that – enjoying myself for the pure sense of not caring what it looks like, how good I am, if it’s cool. I love it. That is joy to me.

I have a friend who works at a skating rink here in Oakland, and she’s told me several times that I can just text her when I want to go, and she’ll hook me up. She told me this almost a year ago - but still I haven't gone. When I get my strength back from this round, I want to do that. I want to laugh. I am so tired of not laughing.

The other “how can Molly have fun” thing that was come up with (it was a short list) was to go up to visit Sonoma, to take a day trip. Although I began visiting up there when there was a crew of young, hilarious, create-fun-out-of-anything 20somethings, they’re now a group of 30somethings dispersed somewhat – but the sense is still there. I feel, and have always felt better, when I go up there. Like my heart is being poured in, filled in from the bottom up with this silvery liquid I didn’t know I was dying of thirst for. Every time I go, I feel that "I can breathe bigger up there."

They know how to laugh up there. I don’t know that particularly this group of friends will still be up there or available; but I can try to see if I can’t get a day to make it work – to drive out into those rolling hills, to arrive to do nothing except be atrociously silly and know how much fun that is.

So, these are my two fun things. My two intentions right now to inject some levity into this somber scene that is cancer treatment.

Having set down the whole Am I going to die question, now I want to know how I’m going to live.