Just Dessert.

So I literally don’t know if I came up with this, or read or heard it recently. I’ve tried going through the last few pages of the books I’m reading, and can’t find it – but, no matter.

“It’s like putting our gifts up on a shelf, and then saying, alright G-d, what’s your will for me?”

That’s what’s occurred to me. No no no, not those old things – they couldn’t possibly have anything to do with what I’m supposed to do with my life. Those are just, well, hobbies, or qualities I have, or secret things I like to do – they certainly aren’t Worth While. They certainly don’t mean anything with regard to a Life Purpose.

Hmm. I like it – the simplicity of it. I’m a fan of believing I can pause things till I get a handle on them. I’m also a fan of half-finished projects, trouncing from one interest to another, so as to not get too invested – and therefore (fear) disappointed by the end result.

The problem with any of the things I consider as gifts or interests is that I do abandon them, and then have very plausible reason for saying I can’t pursue them, or that they’re not a viable option. Of course I can’t sing in a band – I quit taking voice lessons. Of course I can’t play in a band – I quit taking guitar lessons. Of course I can’t use my writing as a stream of income – I haven't submitted anything.

Oh, clarity. How my fears hate the light of day. And, granted, it’s just the light of today – likely, I’ll forget all this sometime later today or tomorrow – until I’m once again presented with the pang of jealousy toward people who are doing the things I want to do.

You sing in a band? You edited a published book? You sold a painting? You went on a vacation? You traveled in Europe? You live in a warm climate? ;P

That last one – well, we’ll leave that alone for now. Although I will tell you, my Magic 8 ball tells me that I won’t be here in the Bay Area at the end of the year. … Truth be told.

One of the great things about some of the folks I’m now in with is that I watch and hear how they turn jealousy into action. That’s the thing about jealousy for me, at least. If I say to myself, “I could do that [better, is implied],” then what I’m really saying is I want to do that.

I remember back in college, I would feel visceral pangs of resentment and jealousy when I would walk into an open mic night to watch other people play. Sometimes I had to in fact leave because I was so pissed that I (as I understand it now) couldn’t let myself try.

So the phrase sparks something new – a new awareness of the patterns of my dream abandonment. I have these nudges, but I discount them and the qualities they could bring to my life as not valid. I thereby stand at the smorgasbord of life and say nothing looks good. Basically, I say that the cake and cookies are for other people – not for me. I need the limp kale to get along in life.

As a metaphor, I would like the cake and cookies. I would like to understand that anything that I consider “play” is actually a way in which I’m informing myself of where I’d like to go and what I’d like to do. Instead of discounting my interests, maybe I should follow them. Instead of turning back, or judging others, or dismissing my desire for the fun – maybe I should let myself sink into the gifts and interests that I have.

After all, as they say: Life is short – Eat dessert first.