"Within You Without You" ~ George Harrison

A friend sent me the following quote a monk has hanging on his wall:

Who am I?

A child of G-d.

What do I need?

Nothing.

What do I have?

Everything.

In this time of upheaval, my ideas about G-d have been … well, let’s just use the term “Shifting,” to place a mild spin on it.

What is the difference between a stubborn, will-power backed assault, and a calm (or even a fiery) self-assured knowingness?

Does knowledge come from within or without? Is G-d something in me, or outside of me?

Sometimes when I pray, I address “Higher Power, Inner Strength,” as I don’t see the two as mutually exclusive. However, sometimes, like now, it’s hard to know if my Inner Strength is such, or if it’s simply an Inner Stubbornness.

To be unvague, I’m talking about my decision to go with or without bone marrow transplant as a treatment option. Yesterday, I met with my oncologist again, and I told him I was still thinking about going with chemo instead of transplant, and he looked at me pained. We then proceeded to look up a bunch of medical research articles, and the articles report that transplant has a higher “long term survival” rate (if only by 10 or 20 per cent).

I am tired of people telling me I’m going to die. I’m tired of listening to, This is the preferred way. I get that. I do. Am I being stubborn, afraid, or simply intuitive?

How can I know? I can meditate all I want, but it’s impossible for me right now to completely know. Is the decision that I’m making based on the purity of consciousness and understanding of myself and belief in the beneficence of the Universe? Or, is the decision I’m making based on avoiding the path which leads to total body irradiation and irreversible organ damage?

Um, you make that choice, huh? Who can?

Am I simply being stubborn, or am I simply believing in myself?

I don’t think it’s clear or clean either way. I think, ultimately, it is both. And can that be okay?

Of course, I don’t want to make a decision based on fear. I want to account for the facts. And the facts are these: in the end, the chances according to medical science are the same.

But, fuck medical science. It’s not as if I’m being the hippie who says, Oh forget all these white-coat, white-hairs; I will now go cure my cancer with herbs and full-lung breathing at the 3/4 moon. Those methods have been suggested to me by a few friends, and sure there are results on that way too. But, no. I am choosing to continue on a medical path which itself has no guarantees, has its own drawbacks and uncertainties. And, in the end may.not.work.

But what does that mean? It may not work. Every time I think of phrases like this, it licks away at the resolve, fortitude, and demeanor (and demand) that I have that I will be alright. I mean, when you look at it plainly, one route says you have about a one out of two chance you will die. The other one says you have about a one out of two chance you will die.

STOP TELLING ME THIS. I am not going to die. It’s just not what’s going to happen. Yet I’m not intending to be or needing to be some kind of a miracle baby either, having brazened against the odds. I don’t need to be some kind of a pioneer, by going without a transplant – this is NOT to teach anyone a lesson. Except maybe me.

Stop telling me about my death, please, and thank you.

I am a child of G-d. Whomever, and wherever that source may be. There’s a phrase in some literature that states that what we once thought was a flimsy reed (of faith) turned out to be the branch of a mighty oak. I believe I am connected to the mighty oak.

If I’m “wrong,” if this means death at some point, death from cancer – it won’t be because I made the “wrong” decision. It’s not about right or wrong here. I mean, the chances are ultimately the same. It’s not about statistics. I just don’t feel it is.

Am I stubborn, or am I spiritual?

Are the two compatible? … Rarely – take a look at the middle east right now…

But, guys, I just feel it. I just feel it’s the right way. I acknowledge that it isn’t a clean decision. I acknowledge that I have fear of irradiating my body and unforeseeable side effects – even if the point and the outcome is cure. People have told me that it’s about risk tolerance – how much risk am I willing to tolerate?

I am willing to tolerate the risk that by maintaining the current course, it may not go my way. I am willing to do what is necessary to maintain and improve my health so that I have the best chance of staying in remission. I am willing to live in the uncertainty, and willing to admit that I am not willing to step willingly into a nuclear chamber. (like all those willingnesses?) ;)

I am willing to maintain the course of my soul. I am willing to admit to you what I feel, and work out those parts that are still gummed up with resentment or straight, obvious stubbornness. I am willing to learn, here, and more willing to ask for help, which I have begun to do.

I am willing to show you more of who I am. I am willing to cry in public, and yell Fuck Cancer at the same time.

I am willing to acknowledge that the inner strength I have is not some imagined, indigestion-inspired whim, but rather a strength and knowledge that comes from something much more rooted, connected, grounded, and wise than I am. I am willing to listen, but I am also willing to say, Stop predicting my death. Because, doctor, I trust you, but I’ve got something a little bigger going on.