For vs. To.

A friend came by this morning and shared a story with me.

Back in New York, she was acquainted with a guy she didn’t like very much. He would brag about his work, and generally sound superficial and as if everything was amazing in his life.

One day, he came and shared that he’d just gotten laid off. And what he shared from this she said was, to her, the first time he’d ever simply been genuine:

“I have to ask myself, Why is G-d doing this for me, instead of Why is G-d doing this to me.”

I walked around the enclosed veranda here at the hospital with this, and a note from a friend in Chicago, in my mind. Her note read: What questions does my heart need answered?

As I meandered, still feeling pretty amazing, since I’m only in the beginning of this treatment, I held these questions.

Perhaps it might sound Pollyanna to want to try to turn cancer from something happening TO me, into something happening FOR me, but as soon as my friend said this, I felt something shift in me. A perspective shift palpable.

I don’t know the why is this happening to me, but what can I take out of why this might be happening for me?

Already, I’ve noticed that my most basic desire, front and center as it is usually receded in all of us, is I Want To Live. With this desire as my touchstone and the epicenter of my purpose, other things have taken a different tenor. Mostly, I see that I’m not dismissing my talent any more, whether that’s for writing or for art.

I Want To Live translates for me as I Am Awesome. That I have so much to do, and so much to give. I have never been able to feel an “I Am Awesome” before. It was always tinged with doubt and perfectionism. But as I begin to ground myself in my will to live, I see the development of a place inside me that can hold the space for I Am Awesome.

It has never mattered how many accolades or compliments someone may give me, no matter what it’s about – if I don’t actually have a place to match that sentiment within myself, then it falls on deaf ears – I can’t hear it. Without a place inside me that will recognize the truth of who and how I am, any external validation can never settle, make sense, be truly appreciated or absorbed.

In addition, starting to see myself perhaps a little more clearly, I am beginning to notice the places where all this external love makes sense to me.

It was so overwhelming and seemingly unusual to have this outpouring of love and support when I found out I was sick. I simply didn’t know how or where to put it all. But, on Sunday, two friends came over to help me clean my apartment while I packed. They didn’t quite know what I needed, but they came to help, and I sheepishly said, well, my kitchen and bathroom really need to be cleaned…

And. They were on it. One of my friends said it was like being in camp when we had chore day, and each girl was doing something. These girls got on their hands and knees to clean my apartment with and for me. I was astonished. Why are they doing this? Is this too much? Are they going to get resentful that they came to hang out with me, and I handed them a bottle of Lysol?

No. They did it because they love me, and because they want to help. But, again, back to the “where does this fit in my cosmology of self?” I considered one of these two friends, who recently moved to a gorgeous house in Berkeley. A few months ago, while I was unemployed, she needed help with her yard. I spent an entire day with her ripping up ivy, baling mulch. I did it because it made me feel good. Because it gave me something to do. Because I care for my friend and wanted to help her in a way that I was eager and happy to get dirty and sweaty to do.

I wasn’t resentful. It wasn’t too much. I remembered this after my friends left on Sunday. I realized that they are like me, they did it because of reasons like mine. Because they have generous souls and love me and want to help. Because it makes them feel good.

I began to settle into acceptance of their care. I began to recognize that I had a place where that fit within my cosmology. They, are like me. I have this place in me, and when they show up, it’s because they have this place in them.

It began to make room for the kindness of others as I began to recognize I have that impulse in myself.

What questions does my heart need answered? Perhaps that there are places inside me that have been closed and closed off to the truth. Perhaps my heart needs to learn that opening to my own truth allows for the influx of love and care by others. 

Ultimately, that opening to my own truth and my own acceptance of self allows for intimacy with others.

Why is G-d doing this for me? Where is alchemy in this? Can I allow my will to live to be my lighthouse to a new phase of myself?