Parsing it Out.

I have a number of things on my mind this morning – the 90-days of responsible tasks challenge; expectations, dependency, forgiveness; and lust.

But I'm a bit jammed up this morning, and although I have begun this blog three times, addressing each of these issues, I'm just not feeling it; I have too many emotions happening, which are gumming up the flow, and I will need some time and conversations today in order to get back to center.

Therefore, let's do something different.

It was impossible to know when she opened her eyes that morning what she would find. The argument from last night awoke before she did, and the tangle of sheets next to her concealed if there was indeed a person there or not.

Tentatively, she moved her hand under the still-warm sheets of her side, and felt into the coolness of his. Okay, she sighed, he's still in it too.

Stretching her feet out far below her, which caused a cramp in the sole of her foot, she looked toward the clock to calculate how much time she had before she'd have to confront the issue. Was there time for a shower before he returned to the bedroom and used it himself to get ready for work? Or should she suck it up, and pad down the hallway to the kitchen where she knew to find him with an iPad, a plate of eggs, his coffee?

Was she wrong last night? Yes/no. Did it matter if she was? Yes/no. He was, too, for sure, but was it worth this? Dancing around each other this morning, making small talk like strangers, leaving out into the large swath of day in which they wouldn't be sure if they were people in love anymore?

The shower could wait.

In the bathroom, she rinsed her mouth, ran water over her face, and rubbed the last of her sleep into the towel. Looking into the mirror, she held her own gaze, and relived the words she'd said, feeling again, the entitlement, justification, and shame for having gotten so argumentative over such a small thing. Leaning into her reflection, she resolved to be more aware when she assumed things from him he'd never actually said.

The sound of the coffee grinder sailed down the hall, and she knew he was making this second batch for her.