Yesterday, I took down all my magnetic poetry from my
refrigerator.
I was sitting at my typical post at my breakfast table,
looking across to the wall where collages, and bits of ephemera have been
collecting over the time I’ve lived here.
The collages are still generically appropriate, the messaging and
messages still appropo, but somehow, it felt like time for change.
After breakfast, I took the collages down. And so, it began.
I spent chunks of time yesterday clearing things out.
Kitchen and bathroom cupboards, that junk drawer we all keep, going up and down
the dozen steps to the curb, leaving outside all manner of things, from vases I
don’t use, to that enormous gold picture frame that some day in some way I
thought I’d use.
I put out, finally, that bench, that wonderful blonde wood,
woven wicker seated bench which has been resting in my closet for over a year, since there’s no good place for it
in my apartment, but I couldn’t bear to part with such a pretty piece of
well-made furniture.
But. It’s not doing me any good.
And, the phrase I kept on thinking of as I purged and sorted
through my cornucopia of crap was, Freely ye have received, Freely give.
Almost everything I own, furniture-wise, came free, from the
sidewalk gods, or friends. I don’t have to believe that I won’t be taken care
of in the manner of stuff. There will always be stuff. And I can believe that
as I give away that which I really don’t need (I mean, really, a bench in a closet??), I will be given that which I do.
But, moreover, I’ll have the availability to see what it is
I really need. To see what I have. To take stock, and inventory of what I have.
For the love of god, I do not need 200 paper plates from the parties I used to
throw in SF over 3 years ago. I do not need to keep the empty glass jars of
peanut butter, because they could be
useful for storage or a project.
They’re not. Useful. They’re clutter. And if there’s
anything this time in my life is teaching me, it’s that I can be pruned back to
the quick, and still be alright.
I don’t need these distractions, clutters, or intrusions.
It’s time to get clean.
Part of this surge of energy to do this is I think a paving
of the way for the internal work I’m getting set to do, and part of it is in
anticipation of a semi-returning to the real world that seems to be getting
closer.
I finished my fourth round of chemo on Sunday, and will have
my fifth, and god willing final round of chemo next month.
Then. Something else entirely is apt to occur. Something
new, something different. Maybe even something the same. Whatever it is, I have no idea, but having all this
crap around me doesn’t make me available to it.
I’m beginning to see a new iteration of myself. If it’s not
simply wishful thinking. But things like, oh, I think I want to wear clothing
that more indicates x, instead of y. Ways that I want to portray myself in the
world, that I want my world reflected back to me in my home. I think the
clearing out is a way to clear the decks, because there is work to be done, and
there is a necessity of space to do it. Just to hold the absence of stuff, to
be in the vacuum, like we’re supposed to do in meditation, just be in the
emptiness, in what is. Just be in my space without filling it up.
It’s not like I’m a clutterer at all, I just know I have
more than I need (honestly, how many half-filled bottles of hand moisturizer
does a woman need??), and I know that right now, it feels like I’ve gotten to a
place where I’m ready to give away, so that I can be ready to receive.
So much of this time has taught me that there are resources
available. That people, supplies, friends, laundry, rides, food, rent are all available to me, if I look and ask and receive them.
I don’t need to hold onto the old, things that aren’t quite right because I
don’t believe there are things to replace them. Old faded collages are not what
I want reflected back to me every morning.
As much as I love the little poems I’d written in magnets, I don’t want the look of clutter it gives right now.
It’s time for a smoothing out of things. For a measure and
reassessment. For me to look at who it is I now am, I now am becoming, and
allow that to emerge.
I’m getting the chance to know myself and define myself, and
I’m pretty interested to see who occurs.
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