Dr Palm Reader

I am currently trying to convince my body that decaf coffee is just as wonderful as regular coffee.

For anyone who knows me, or shares this wonderful love affair with the warm caffeinated beverage, you know this a difficult task. In fact, liquid tranquility was once how I put it – despite it’s technical opposite affect on our bodies.

Why, then, you may ask? Is this a further foray into asceticism or self-denial or militant straight-edgyness?

It’s because of my feet.

Well, it’s more because of my pelvis. Well, it’s more because of my jaw. Oh wait, it’s a global problem with my body.

True to the magnificent nature of coincidence in this Universe, I walked into a conversation between two girl friends of mine about two weeks ago. I forget what brought it about, but one of the women mentioned her chiropractor. When I added in that I’ve been clenching my jaw at night pretty severely, she handed me his card. Apparently, he’s not the pop and crack kind, and is very holistic to all the body’s needs – which is good, because I have never seen a chiropractor because I thought it was a racket: to pop and crack, come back in a month, pop and crack, ad nauseum.

So, I googled, I yelped, I read all the info on the website - including his own "journey" to this angle of the profession - and then I called. Turns out, Yes, jaw problems are something that they deal with, and I could come in in a few days.

The yelp reviews are like the gospel praise for Jesus himself. You’d think this guy performed miracles or something.

… and, he does.

I went for my initial interview last Tuesday, and he spent an hour telling me to stand up, sit down, raise one arm, now open your mouth raise the other, lift this leg, turn your head and lift it again, … and then he asked a strange question. Was your childhood stressful? HA! Yes, yes it was, Dr. Palm Reader. and on with his gentle poking and prodding.

See, the problem is that because I clench my jaw at night, my dentist told me about 6 months ago that I was getting micro-fractures in my molars, and if I didn't take care of this my teeth would fall apart in my head. That it was likely caused by stress, and that I would have to wear a night guard… forever. So, luckily, I have a retainer thing from the interminable period of my adult braces, and I’ve been wearing it semi-regularly, and then more regularly, waking up in the night or morning feeling like opening my jaw is like open the jaws of life – it’s so stiff and tight and ouch.

So, Dr Palm Reader… actually, I’ve really come to call him Dr. Eyeballs. … because he has the most incredible blue eyes. I’m a sucker for them blue eyes.  – So, he says okay, I’ll see you in two days for the “download” appointment, the one were basically he tells me what’s wrong with me, and what we’re going to do about it. … "and," he says as I'm walking out, "which organs aren’t functioning properly." Oh hell, you say this as I’m leaving!? Which organs of mine aren’t functioning properly? Chew, or clench, on that one!

In any case, I do come back. And on Thursday, he tells me all kinds of stuff. Firstly, he says my adrenal gland is shot. The childhood question was because often if there is a lot of stress in childhood, the adrenal gland is over-active and overly called upon then, and so, in later life, it crashes. Have I been extremely fatigued lately? Why, yes, Dr. Palm Reader, I’ve been going to bed at 8:30 or 9pm when I can, but I thought it was just “winter,” or, you know, what my body needs… 10 or so hours of sleep a night.

Nope. My adrenal gland is shot. Okay. What else you got? Well, flat feet – get this – are a symptom of early stress. Perhaps it’s not “genetic,” although my mom has them too (“Did she have a stressful childhood?,” Yes, Doc, yes she did.).

The bottom line was this, all kinds of things are out of whack, ligaments are falling apart in my pelvis, over stressed and twisted. My hip pain another dr. said was tendonitis and I’d just have to NOT USE IT … uh, yeah, no, it’s these loose ligaments. The jaw? Well, (cue “the knee bone’s connected to the thigh bone”), pretty much, it all ascends from my pelvic problem, into my diaphragm, and into my neck, and then, into my jaw. All the muscles are doing work they shouldn’t be doing, and are overstressed from doing them.

… Now that you have gotten my medical history, what on earth does this have to do with anything? Well, firstly, after he did a few pressure pointy things, and one crack, guess what? I didn’t clench my jaw for two nights. I never thought that would happen. Or would have guessed the relief I felt without it. But, this is a long-term issue, and so, over the course of the next 6 weeks, I’ll be seeing him 3 times a week, to train my body into its proper form and function. Which also means that YAY!! I won’t have to see him forever, I won't have to wear a night guard forever, and all different kinds of systems in my body are going to be starting up again… and mostly, I won’t be so fucking tired all the time.

Down side? I feel like an 80 year old woman at the moment. I’ve been told that for the duration of the treatment, I can’t bend in x y and z ways, …. and although he hasn’t said it… the pamphlet he gave me on what’s “wrong” with me (which btw, has an illustration of a completely fucocked spinal cord…), well, it states that caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and sugar aggravate the system and inhibit healing.

Well, Balls. Caffeine and sugar are the only ones I still use/abuse, but hell. Really?

So, this is not my swan song to coffee. I've had one cup of regular and one of decaf this morning, … and I guess that tub of “no sugar added” ice cream is gonna have to go…

But, indeed, it’s true. This is some sort of miracle. And if there were ever a time in my life when I had the time, health insurance, availability, and Universe conspiring for me to bring my physical, emotional, and spiritual health into, … alignment, it’s now.